Little Johnny, coaches, and grandmothers, Joke

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.
'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

Bookmark and Share


Little Johnny the Cop and Santa Claus Joke

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"

The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicycle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"

Humoring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."

To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the d**k underneath the horse, not on top." 

Bookmark and Share


Little Johnny Jokes - in school

Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Here it is.

Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Little Johnny:


Little Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Little JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables.


Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile?"


No, that's wrong.

Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


LITTLE JOHNNY, what is the chemical formula for water?

H I J K L M N O.

What are you talking about?
Yesterday you said it's H to O.

LITTLE JOHNNY, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

LITTLE JOHNNY, why do you always get so dirty?

Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.

LITTLE JOHNNY, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

LITTLE JOHNNY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
No, sir. It's the same dog.

LITTLE JOHNNY, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
A teacher.

Bookmark and Share


Little Johnny read a book!

Little Johnny's kindergarten teacher was trying to teach the children to "people talk".
She asked Joey, " What did you do on the weekend?"
Joey replied, " I went to see Nana". "No." the teacher said,"You went to see your Grandma. That's people talk. Bobby, What did you do on the weekend?"
Bobby replied, " I went for a ride on the choochoo." No, you went for a ride on the train."

"Little Johnny, what did you do on the weekend?"
He replied, "I stayed home and read a book."
"That's nice, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny thought for a while and then said,

"Winnie the Shit!" 


Poor Goldfish!

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. The neighbor was curious and wanted to know what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, so he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Little Johnny?" "My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big grave for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


Little Johnny's Just Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just beautiful!



Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?


Little Johnny's  Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a  show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father  bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little  Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was  pregnant, and he said, 
Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful!"


Little Johnny Math Lesson

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"


"Very good," says the teacher. "Your did a good job. what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack"

Little Johnny's version of Easter

A little boy and his mother, shopping for Easter candies and decorations, ran into their minister in the store. Mom and reverend exchanged a little chit-chat. Then the reverend looked at little Johnny and asked, “So, what are you up to today?” “Oh,” Johnny said, “We’re getting ready for Easter!” Seeing a pedagogical opportunity, the reverend replied “Oh really? Hey, just what exactly is Easter anyway? Do you know what happened on Easter?” Little Johnny looked at the reverend a little offended. “Of course I know what Easter is. It’s when Jesus went to Jerusalem, and he rode a donkey, and they waved palms at him.” “That’s right, go on” said the reverend.” “And he got in trouble and he was beat up and yelled at and then they nailed him on a cross and then he died.” “Very good Johnny! What happened next?” “Well then they put him in a tomb and they put a big rock in front of it. But three days later he got raised and got out of there.” “Johnny, that’s great!” said the reverend, pleased to know his Sunday School program worked so well. “But that’s not all” said Johnny. “Oh, said reverend, what else?” “Well, the rock got rolled back, and he stepped out, and he looked around, and if he sees his shadow there’s six more weeks of winter.”


Little Johnny and Easter

Little Johnny’s mother asked him, “How did you get that bruise on your arm?”

Little Johnny replied, “I ate some Easter candy.”

“Eating Easter candy won’t give you a bruise.”

“It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!”

Little Johnny's Trivia Knowledge

Just before the holidays started, Johnny’s teacher told the class that she was going to have a trivia contest. Students who correctly answered the questions would be allowed to leave early. This got Johnny’s attention.
His teacher asked the first question “Who said, I have a dream?”
Johnny knew this one and his hand was up before anyone else.
The teacher picked Sally and Sally answered Matin Luther King, Jr.
The teacher said, “Right, you may leave. Have a nice holiday.”
”Next question.”
“Who said, Ask not what your country can do for you, but…?”
Little Johnny was super excited because he knew this one, too. He waved his hand furiously so that his teacher would pick him.
But the teacher chose Andrea.
Andrea said, “That was John F Kennedy.” Of course she was right and she was allowed to leave early.
Little Johnny was getting quite upset. He knew the answers and his hand was up first.
“Next question.”
“Who said, That’s one small step for man, one giant…?”
Johnny couldn’t believe his luck because he knew this one, also.
His hand shot up like a rocket.
The teacher looked around and finally picked another little girl, Susan.
Susan said Neil Armstrong and the teacher told her she could leave and hoped she enjoyed the holidays.
By this time Little Johnny was fuming. He wanted to go home early. It wasn’t fair and he whispered, a little too loudly, “Christ, I wish those bitches would just shut up!”
The teacher yelled, “Who said that?”
Johnny immediately yelled back, “Tiger Woods, see you later!”

One of my favourite Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..’

Little Johnny's Question

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, ” Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? ” 

Little Johnny and Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Subtle Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

Little Johnny’s at it again……

 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Little Johnny's Version

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
“The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too”.
“Very good”, says the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on said
“Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two”.

Little Johnny's Report

A teacher asked Little Johnny ,
“Can people predict the future with cards?”
His response was, “My mother can.”
The teacher replied, “Really?”
Little Johnny was quick to explain,
“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”